tips to make your server not hate you.

I have always felt that people should consult a dining guide before going to a bar or restaurant. then they should have to take and pass a quiz and have a laminated card showing that they did, in fact, take and pass the quiz. It should be more important than even proving that you are over 21 when ordering a drink. especially because i don't think the ability to drink should be based on age, but on merit, hence the dining out guide and quiz.

Since this is probably never going to happen, i have compiled a list of things that should be common sense for you to peruse. the list will grow. people are constantly finding new ways to be obnoxious while in public. i shouldn't be shocked anymore, but when a drunk guy hands you the cup he has been spitting his chew in for the last few hours and expects you to empty the napkins and replace them, you know that you will live to see another asshole doing something even more grotesque.  Here goes:  

1. Do not hit on your server. We are paid to be nice to you. However, in the instance, and this does actually happen, that you feel some kind of cosmic connection and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they feel the same way, wait until your bill is paid and you are not wasted to talk to him/her. Nothing reeks quite as much as liquid courage or the question of a good tip in the face of a phone number. My advice: Find out their name and maybe come back another time.Or, wait until they aren't busy and say something nice, and something true. Do not leave your number on the credit card slip. You will be made fun of behind your back by the entire staff. Also, if you get rejected, do not stop going to the bar. It gives servers a complex when all the regulars start dropping off like flies.

2. Do not hate your server if your food comes out cold or tasting like shit. we did not make it and you did not ask for a taste test. Tell us calmly, do not freak, remaking the food will be a top priority and you will leave full and happy. Take it out on you server, and we will make sure you never want to come back, anyway.

3. Do not make jokes about us spiting in your food. Fucking gross. who would do that? you aren't dining in some low budget movie starring justin long where a bunch of losers hate everyone. We like our jobs and people. probably not ever going to stoop that low. It would take the fun from kicking your ass out for being mean to me. and yes, i do have that power.

4. If it is crazy busy, do not sit at a dirty table and then stare a hole into my back. Stand next to it, out of my way. If you don't, chances are I won't know the table has turned and you won't get service for a long, long time. Side note to this, do not touch anything on the table. we need to not be missing cash and credit card receipts because you decided to "help" us clean the table.

5. i hate serving coffee and tea. nothing on you, the customer. it is just a pet peeve. i work in a dive bar. go across the street and get a hot beverage with endless refills that doesn't taste faintly like burnt hot dogs.

6. Do not expect a deal just because you are a regular, and if you do get hooked up, do not expect this all of the time, but tip accordingly. we only get to comp a precious few times a week or whatever, so take it seriously. And yes, single people, if your server buys you a drink and lingers at your table, they are probably interested in you. Review number one.

7. Do not let your kids make a huge mess or color all over everything or rip napkins to shreds, etc.If they aren't allowed to do it in your house, then they shouldn't do it here. If that shit flies at home, stay there. none of you should be interacting with the public.

8. if your kid is screaming or crying, take them outside. no one thinks its cute and everyone wants to beat you, the parents, to death with a baseball bat. orphaned children actually have something to cry about.

9. if your kid does make a huge mess, tip accordingly. personal maid to your darling angels is not covered by standard gratuity.

10. Letting your kids run around unsupervised is stupid and fucking irresponsible. Next time i see it, i'm dialing child services, no joke. If u have ever almost accidentally dropped a tray of drinks on a kid's head, you know what I'm saying.

11. If your server does not tell you their name, do not ask for it.we don't know your name and don't want to know it. no offense. eye contact tells me that you need something better than shouting out your ill gotten gains.

12. Do not ask for extra shit, like sauces and be surprised when you are charged for it. it ain't free to us, it ain't free to you.

13. Ha ha! Your friend is super-wasted and making a total ass of himself! He keeps trying to grab my ass! He keep knocking over drinks! Oh look, he went into the girls' bathroom to pee in the sink! So Cute! No. Get your tab and get him home. Save me the trouble of kicking him out and I will remember you as being that guy who didn't make my job harder. Stand back and watch the spectacle? Oh well, I am tossing your ass out, too.

14. Boyfriends and girlfriends of waitstaff...we love ya, love to see you, love that you are getting to know our coworkers and bar regulars. Sigh. It is nice to see such a familiar and cherished face while working such antisocial hours. Sometimes. It is never the right time, however, to camp out for hours, watching me and sizing up every guy I am being paid to talk to. Casually mentioning to me that "the guy in the booth over there was totally staring at your ass as you were walking away" is not going to help either of us to have a better night. So, significant others, sit at the bar, find something to do besides pretend not to stalk your better half, and let us come to you for brief respites from the sea of thirsty faces.

15. I come over to your table, put down coasters, drop menus, smile. You are talking and ignoring me, so I walk away. you peruse the beer list, still chatting. I come back after a few minutes. I look at you both expectantly. You glance in my direction but continue to talk to each other. Okay Rude-y McAsshole, you can have a drink when they install an ice rink in hell. People, please. Servers, especially when busy, are on a tight schedule. we have a lot of shit to do, to remember, to set up. we really do want you to be happy and comfortable, but you have to do your part and, I don't know, stop talking long enough to hem and haw between a Miller Lite and a Summit.

16. Put down your phone. Close your laptop. I do not approach people on cellphones. If you try to order from me while you are talking on your cellphone, i will look at you incredulously and walk away. The reason? Well, when confronted by customers, I tell them that I do not want to be rude and interrupt their conversation. reality? It is really fucking rude to not even pause in conversation long enough to acknowledge the person who is trying to quench your thirst. Ditto for texters.

17. Last call. Usually this happens 15 minutes before bar close. I understand the scramble to get as drunk as you can as quickly as possible before we release you into the night,but at this point, aren't you just waiting your money? Sure, buy a round of shots and and down those with the girl you met a few hours ago who you are sure is THE ONE. Actually, she thinks that you are THE ONE, and you probably actually wanted to get with her hot friend...anyway, do not order 2 Guinness's and a scotch neat when you only have 15 minutes left to drink. 2:05 and we are taking it all away from you, no matter what you tipped on the round. thems the laws.

18. Making out in public is icky. And yes, I have been icky before, so do not think I am above it. In fact, I am guilty of many of the drunk related sins of which I have been lamenting, so you know, I am human, too.  Making out in public is icky. You might be having the sexiest, most romantic time ever, but we are just wondering if you are homeless, or worse, cheating on your significant others. Why else would you be sucking face in public instead of rolling around naked in a nice, comfy bed? Shit, I don't care how awesome it is where I work, given the choice between sticking my tongue down some one's throat at the rail and snogging between the sheets, well, I love my sheets.

19. Girl on girl hostility. I am not checking out your boyfriend. He does not think I am cuter than you. blah blah blah. reverse the role for guys. nothing is sexier than lack of self confidence and paranoid insecurity. And even if you do not say it out loud, we feel your hostile vibes and so does your partner.

20. Girl on girl hostility, Part 2: You are not better than me because I am a lowly server. I make lotsa money to have a good time in a great environment. I have time to write, to go to school, and to go to the beach pretty much whenever I want. I also feel confident in the knowledge that as long as i am doing this job, my legs are gonna look smokin'.

21. Smokers vs. Non. Not much I can really say about this, as I am divided. I smoke but cheered the loudest over the smoking ban. Kind of got tired of having to throw my work clothes directly into garbage bags after work. So, the non-smokers got their wish, but now they want more. It is getting to the point where we can't even smoke on patios anymore. Which, I also get to a certain extent. I do not always want to be breathing in smoke while I am trying to eat, but I will be damned if I do not dig having the freedom to light up myself as soon as I am done.

22. Food Allergies. Please let us know when you have them. It is not enough to simply ask to have something removed from a dish, we need to make sure there is no cross-contamination. On the other hand, if you have an aversion to something, do not get all pouty and rude if we cannot give you a perfect substitute, because no, not every bar stocks potato vodka and vegan cheese. sorry. you aren't being progressive, just picky.

23. So you say it's your birthday? Great, we have a table for the four of you. awesome. and then every 5 minutes, four more people show up until I am waiting on thirty people with no warning. Look, I am great at my job and yes, you will have separate tabs, but please, if you know about this in advance, give me a heads up.

24. We are closed. So leave. I am almost positive that if i went to your job at Target or Starbucks or wherever, I would not be able to loiter there twenty minutes after close, so why is it different when you come to my work?

25. Yes, you are that asshole. That we all talk about and hate waiting on. You are patronizing, you hit on everything that moves, you don't tip, you want a fancy schmancy cocktail and 3 different mixed shots for last call. We don't like you, but we are patient. Some day we will find out where you work and be that guy who you and your coworkers talk about and hate dealing with, because sometimes karma needs a little nudge.

26. this is not the right place to dump someone. I know you want a public place so there is no scene, but come on, if you are that juvenile, why not just text the person, yee of little balls? Because I do not have enough napkins to mop up all that mascara and spray tan, and you aren't going to tip me well enough to make it worth my while. If you don't skip out on the bill entirely, that is.

27. Pub Crawls. So fun, and so matchy-matchy. Nothing can really stem the blood of chaos, but you can make things a bit easier for yourself and your server. Stick to beer and single ingredient shots. have cash, or if you want to be the coolest person ever, open a tab for the whole pub crawl and sort out your cash yourselves. tip well and try not to get in the way of all the people who are not there to celebrate the penguins or whatever.

28. Can I have a water? Sure, and you can keep having refills as long as you are not just sitting there with your friends, not ordering anything else. How does this not make sense to people? Why would i do a service for someone that will generate no bill and thus, no tip, when i have a whole room full of people who are actually paying to be there. walk your cheap, thirsty ass over to SA and buy a bottle of water. you can refill it free in the bathroom sink.

29.Poor service. sit down at my table and be shifty, hostile, bossy, and sullen. If you don't make eye contact, mutter your orders at me, and ask for a myriad of ridiculous shit like more cherry juice in your lemonade or a side of bleu heese and ranch and ketchup mixed together, there is a good chance my winning smile and polite interest in your needs as a customer will fall by the wayside. You, in turn will pick up my aggravation and think that I am a bitch who obviously hated you on sight, so you will become even more sullen and demanding. I will become thin lipped and eye-rolly, and you will retaliate by paying me mostly in nickels. no tip.

29. Point 2 of the above: Do not EVER think you that you are being profiled. I do not care about gender, religion, race, age, sexual orientation. I am never thanking my lucky stars that I get to wait on a table of good looking guys as apposed to a hassled looking family with six kids. That is the true beauty of living and working in such a diverse city. Everyone is different, so every encounter is a new adventure. I don't judge anyone until they either look down their nose at me, or don't bother to look at me at all.

30. Pay attention. When your server comes to get orders, refill drinks, whatever, make sure to order when everyone else does. We run enough. we do not need to wear a path to and from your table just because you need just one more thing every time i come back. Sometimes, i get paranoid that people do this shit on purpose...

Well, that is all i have for now. I am sure that if anyone reads this after I post it, they, too will will have pearls of wisdom to share, as I know I have not exhausted the list...